The Mo(u)rning
It's as if something has replaced the chaos I know and love so well, with order. A disturbing, nauseating order.
When I wake up too early, I always feel alien to my body. Nauseous and dizzy, as if I've been traveling. I've seen a Homeopath for this, and I was feeling fine until my last treatment yesterday. I actually felt wonderful. We were out visiting a friend of Siobhan's. A talented, gifted Mage who produces staffs of unimaginable power and beauty.
I had one glass of wine, which I didn't finish. I ate heartily and felt wonderful. Even took an after dinner walk and smoke.
I fell asleep quite soon after lying down. But something is off-kilter. I do not wake prematurely after I sleep. My sleep often is uninterrupted until the morning. Yet I woke up yesterday, and felt the whole world. I watched her sleep and lay there, talking to my sleeping friend. She's so pretty, you know. Elvish in her features, as if an angel eloped with an elf and made a short, beautiful girl.
But in the sun-risen morning, I could not get out of bed. I was sickly and disturbed. That feeling I know too well. That I haven't slept enough or I am up too early. I've conquered this feeling many times before, but after almost two weeks of not feeling it, I was overwhelmed. My homeless ness came to bear. It was on my eyelids, my shoulders. I had to do something. I wanted to go to eNanda and get my supplies. Get my PC and my Box of Memories from the ghetto. I even thought I'd grab my CHAOS SUCCEEDS sigil from the ceiling. I wonder if it's still up there. It feels so, more often than not. The sick feeling only got worse. It took unexpectedly large amounts of energy to open my eyes and email my new boss my plans for the day, and that I'd be late for work.
I will need stabilty, a small semblance of it. Maybe an illusion of it for now, until I can make the reality happen.
This world I inhabit feels illusory, alien and viscous. Speaking of viscosity, I think I will get a triple espresso and pretend that I buy this place. Until I really do. I want this. I want to Write for my living, even for a corporate leviathan. I need this.
(Maybe something died, and I felt it. I heard a sword singing yesterday, in the home of the Mage.)
When I wake up too early, I always feel alien to my body. Nauseous and dizzy, as if I've been traveling. I've seen a Homeopath for this, and I was feeling fine until my last treatment yesterday. I actually felt wonderful. We were out visiting a friend of Siobhan's. A talented, gifted Mage who produces staffs of unimaginable power and beauty.
I had one glass of wine, which I didn't finish. I ate heartily and felt wonderful. Even took an after dinner walk and smoke.
I fell asleep quite soon after lying down. But something is off-kilter. I do not wake prematurely after I sleep. My sleep often is uninterrupted until the morning. Yet I woke up yesterday, and felt the whole world. I watched her sleep and lay there, talking to my sleeping friend. She's so pretty, you know. Elvish in her features, as if an angel eloped with an elf and made a short, beautiful girl.
But in the sun-risen morning, I could not get out of bed. I was sickly and disturbed. That feeling I know too well. That I haven't slept enough or I am up too early. I've conquered this feeling many times before, but after almost two weeks of not feeling it, I was overwhelmed. My homeless ness came to bear. It was on my eyelids, my shoulders. I had to do something. I wanted to go to eNanda and get my supplies. Get my PC and my Box of Memories from the ghetto. I even thought I'd grab my CHAOS SUCCEEDS sigil from the ceiling. I wonder if it's still up there. It feels so, more often than not. The sick feeling only got worse. It took unexpectedly large amounts of energy to open my eyes and email my new boss my plans for the day, and that I'd be late for work.
I will need stabilty, a small semblance of it. Maybe an illusion of it for now, until I can make the reality happen.
This world I inhabit feels illusory, alien and viscous. Speaking of viscosity, I think I will get a triple espresso and pretend that I buy this place. Until I really do. I want this. I want to Write for my living, even for a corporate leviathan. I need this.
(Maybe something died, and I felt it. I heard a sword singing yesterday, in the home of the Mage.)
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